This year’s batch of ‘alternative’ Christmas cards have arrived.
Some twelve months or so have passed since people last had a worried expression on their faces as they opened a sinister white envelope so it was a pleasure to make that happen again recently. I’ve created six designs this year of varying weirdness and those [un]fortunate enough to receive an actual, real, 100% touchable, physical card should just about all have them in their possession now.
I apologise if you would normally receive one of these but haven’t; I’ve had to scale back a bit this year and send only to those who I already had addresses for in my little black book (actually, it’s a Spider-Man notebook). Fingers crossed it’ll be business as usual next year and I’ll be sauntering up to you, lunging and then thrusting an envelope at you.
In the meantime, here they are. Please click on the image to see a larger version.
1: Chrimbo, The Movie (in colour)
I love cartoon film posters – think ‘Transformers The Movie, 1986’ – where all the main characters are shown in a montage and it catches your eye immediately as you’re walking in to the cinema or browsing the VHS section in a shop (showing my age now).
One glance is never enough and your eyes are soon darting all around the picture looking at each character closely, wondering whether they’re a ‘goodie’ or a ‘baddie’, what part they play in the overall story and which ones will make sweet, sweet love to each other. That’s sort of what I was going for with this one. It’s the poster for a film/movie that doesn’t exist but perhaps the entire saga will play out in your imagination.
2: Beneath the ice a monster sleeps
Terrible attempts at poetry are everywhere at Christmas, each hoping they’re so sickeningly sweet that they’ll stick in people’s subconscious and become popular for years to come. My effort is even less likely than all of those to be picked up as a Christmas TV adaptation but bugger it, I’ve still made one anyway.
Please though, if you do go ice skating on Christmas Eve, ‘hold it in’ as this card’s story is 100% true. Monsters do lurk beneath the ice and they’re very sensitive to flatulence. You should be safe if you live in the UK though as there will be no ice to skate on.
Note: I’ve just received a call from a television company asking for the rights to produce an animated version of this for Christmas Day 2021.
3: Demonic possession
The gift that keeps on giving. One minute you’re joyfully opening your presents and the next you’re crawling up the wall speaking in tongues as a priest throws holy whisky on you. This is such a familiar scene on Christmas Day it’s somewhat surprising you don’t see more cards depicting it.
4: The time for gifts
Not all gifts contain a demonic entity at Christmas. Here are just some of the items which any lucky person would be ecstatic to receive.
Underpants; a pencil (WITH eraser I hasten to add); a spanner; a book of 1001 caravans (including a giant poster); socks and last but by no means least, bell-bottomed brown slacks.
Of course the chances of you ever receiving even one of these wonderful items is slim but we can still dream. Oh, what a lovely thought…
5: Santa throws up his gifts
Yet more gifts! I wondered if it would be acceptable in modern society for Santa’s chosen method of gift giving to be via the medium of vomit. Of course it would.
Children rejoice as the jolly fat man opens his mouth wide and spews forth a gigantic fountain of sick that contains everything they’d ever want for Christmas.
6: Santa undressed
I haven’t made any of these style designs in quite a few years. Created rather slowly, with a bit more detail than my usual scribbles.
For some reason I just think it has a ‘classic Hollywood’ look about it and it also raises several questions:
- Is he taking that coat off or putting it on?
- Why isn’t he wearing anything under that coat?
- What’s he seen that interests him so much?
- Is he on his way upstairs to your bedroom?
- Have you locked your doors and windows?
I hope you enjoy this year’s cards. They’ve also been added to the Chrimbo cards page alongside previous years’ offerings.
Look out for these going on sale next year – minus the horrid watermarks of course – should you feel the need to soil someone’s mantlepiece with their unholy presence.