Has it been a year already? Yes. Yes it has.
December has arrived and with it comes the highly non-anticipated arrival of white envelopes containing disgusting, repulsive and altogether crude attempts at Chrimbo cards from yours truly.
Enough rambling. On with the cards!
1: Santa in a post fart war apocalypse
Things got very gassy in Christmas of the year 2092. Take it from me, a time traveler. Following all out fart-based combat on a global scale there are seemingly no survivors save a lonely sad Santa. In this field of skulls he roams, searching with ever deepening sadness for somebody he can give a present to. A warning to us all, I’m sure you’ll agree.
2. A flatulent last supper
Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas for me and many others without some flat out blasphemy. Here we have an accurate portrayal of the last time Santa, Jesus and some more characters all got together to enjoy a meal. The results were stinking.
3. Santa’s prolapsed anus
You go to the gym. We know that. Nobody cares. What we should all care about however is when Santa goes full beast mode on the squats and blows his arse inside out in a shower of blood and fecal matter. He won’t be riding in any sleigh this Christmas. Sorry, kids.
4. Dictator Santa
Take it from me (and Bing Translate), the Arabic text here reads ‘Christmas will be celebrated’. If it doesn’t, well, sorry. Santa is in full dictator mode here as he rules with an iron sack amidst his very own oil field.
5. Evil eye Santa
I try to create at least one black metal-influenced design every year and here’s 2022’s offering. No backstory. No context. It’s a hellish portrayal of Santa plunging his fingers deep into his own gaping eye socket. He only has eyes for you though.
6. Farty Father Chrimbo
This year’s safe design for those with children or of a generally nervous disposition. Created very quickly and in a childish manner this card demonstrates my highly sophisticated sense of humour.
7. i am snowman (bonus design)
When all of this year’s designs were finished and I’d decided who was getting which (I do put some thought into it) I was playing around with some newer software and ended up with this cheery little chappy. He was too adorable to be shut away for an entire year so here he is in all his sinister glory.
Inside
This year’s design for the inside of my cards featured this beautiful Christmas tree. Lovingly decorated with a very personal touch it’s sure to bring a tear and gag reflex to all.